Ode to the Fratty Fratser

I reposted this from a craigslist missed connection I posted a year ago. It made the Austinists favorites list, but sadly did not make best of craigs.


Dearest Fratty Fratster,

Little did you know the impact you would have on me, my heart, and the conversations my roommates and I shared following our meeting. I suppose its an innocent enough question, but the manner in which you asked resonated with me more than you could ever know.
The night I saw Gary Clark Jr. at Antone's my only expectation was to watch some righteous blues, have a drink, and stand lonesome in my solitary hotness. But then there you were, standing far too close for comfort and eyeing me up and down. I found it difficult to carry on a conversation with the level of noise in the bar, but you were so debonair with your spiked up bed head and too tight Holister t-shirt that I made the effort. The conversation was light in the beginning, "What is your name?" "Do you like Gary Clark?" and I obliged with polite responses, but then you asked what was really on your mind.
"So... How big is your ass?"
You asked it as plainly as you would ask what I do for a living. I am sorry that I didn't make it obvious enough for you to find out on your own. I was, after all, leaning against a stairway making it impossible for you to tell. Instead of making my true feelings known my face took on a look of utter shock and I stood silent. You then asked if that was an inappropriate question, to which I replied yes. Fratty Fratster, I didn't mean it! I was simply taken aback by your bluntness! I never encounter such direct questioning in my day to day life and therefore did not know how to interpret or handle the question. If asked today I would know to reply, "It has a weight of 5.8 lbs, thanks for asking" or "About 22 in. in diameter".
I was so ashamed of my timidity that I turned back to my roommates and avoided eye contact with you. I greatly regret not being a bolder person and you were so gracious! You gave me every opportunity to restart a dialogue, for the rest of the evening as you would pass me by you would unashamedly sing "I like big butts and I cannot lie".
Oh Fratty Fratster! If only I weren't so shy with my sensibilities! You were probably the perfect man for me! Someone who would refer to me as a "female" instead of a "lady". Grab my uncommonly appealing ass in public and declare "This here is mine!". But alas, it is not meant to happen between you and I. And now I must spend my days wondering, What if?
In honor of our meeting my roommates and I will routinely ask each other "Oh, and just how big is your ass?" to which the respondent is to reply with a previously unthought-of quality of dimension or weight. This hurts me to do because it makes me think of you. But I would rather have the pain of longing in my heart than to forget our encounter entirely, Though I doubt I ever could.
With love and longing,
Malia

Manifesto of Malia for Dictator (a work in progress)

1. Movie makers must receive expressed written and verbal consent from Madame Dictator before making sequels, trilogies, or prequels. A movie must be made with the expectation that there will not be a continuation of the story. Movie makers who do not meet these expectations will be taken out back and shot. (To clarify, you will be shot. Not necessarily killed. A henchmen in training will be wielding the weapon, so who knows where the bullet will land)

2. All who use the word "conversate", "irregardless", or abbreviations of phrases ("lol", "btw", "idk", "brb", etc.) in a non satiric fashion will be taken out back and shot.

3. If a man's response to a woman who makes a passionate argument in a rational manner is a cat noise ("mraw"), the gentleman will be taken out back and shot.

4. Anyone who makes an extended glance at a lady, i.e. Elevator eyes, makes inappropriate noises toward a lady (whistling, "fffft" "ffffffft", "oooooooweeeeee", "mmmmmmm-hmmmmmm", etc.), or exuberantly tries to get a ladies attention ("Girl! Hey Girl!", "Hey baybay!", "You is one fine lookin female! OOOOooooweeeee!") will be taken out back and shot, sterilized, then partially blinded with a burning hot spoon.